Shits and Giggles

Oh no, I'm dwelling again

In my last post I talked about how I tend to overthink about things a lot. I replay everything in my head, trying to figure out how it could have gone better, what I did wrong, what I should have changed, etc.

Writing this post led me to think of a few other instances that my brain won’t let die. Even years after the event, I’m kicking myself for something I said, or did, even though no one else who is part of the incidents remembers them five seconds after they occurred. Even during said events, they were probably looking at their watch. Not me, though, I dwell. Reader, I dwell a lot.

I’m gonna share another pair of instances with you, so I’m not the only one thinking about them. Now you too can share in my horror and dread.

I was lucky enough to be asked to write the movie MINIONS. If you follow me on this substack, you probably know this. It’s maybe what I’m most known for? It is, at the very least, the most famous project I’ve worked on. At one point it was one of the top ten grossing movies of all time. I say this not to brag, but to prove that I can’t just be happy about that. When I think of my memories writing this huge Hollywood blockbuster, wherein I made friends with people that I still talk to every day, wherein I worked on a movie that literally changed my life, that opened doors and allowed me to meet with and work on things I never though possible…I usually think of the following series of events first and foremost.

Sandra Bullock signed on to voice the villain in MINIONS. She played Scarlet Overkill, a name I had come up with when I was very, very young, as a villain in my hand-drawn comic books that only my parents and sister would read.

Sandra was excited to do it. There were just two concerns: one, she said up front she didn’t want to do sequels. This was because she thought the two sequels she had made were not good. Look, SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL has it’s problems, sure, but MISS CONGENIALITY 2: ARMED AND FABULOUS was funny. Also, small note: since then, she’s done OCEAN’S 8, which, while not a sequel to a movie she was in, was kind of a sequel, right? Anyway, we were okay with her not coming back for a MINIONS 2 if we got that far (spoilers: we did), as Scarlet Overkill’s story would be complete by the end of MINIONS.

Her other concern was a bit bigger: she was nervous about doing a voice in a movie. Sandra likes to act with her whole body, and this was using a different set of muscles.

But that actually proved to be a plus, as her apprehension about doing a voice role led to all of us getting together the day before a record and going through the pages, working on stuff, giving me time to come up with new lines if she didn’t like what was there, or if she wanted alternate jokes ready to go if they weren’t playing when she recorded.

By the time that first day of recording came around, I knew Sandra pretty well. And she knew me. And I felt like I proven myself to her: I was helpful, funny, ready to make her job as easy as possible. That first day of recording, I was ready. I had alternate lines for every line she had to record. Here’s a secret about me: this wasn’t just for Sandra. I go in prepared. I have back-ups for any line, for any actor. I never know what is going to work, and I want everyone to leave a recording session saying “Hey, Lynch didn’t suck today”. Also I love just writing jokes, and really dig coming up with alts (short for ALTERNATE, of course).

And that day, we hit a rhythm, a groove. I was proving I belonged in the room.

We broke for lunch. And we were all getting along so well…and sure, there was paparazzi outside that was ready to follow Sandra if she did go out…that she decided to stay there and eat lunch with us. Wow. Okay, great.

We ordered Chinese food. We sat around the table. It was myself, the producers, the director, editors, and of course, Sandra Bullock. I kept quiet most of lunch. I was tired from work. I was gonna let everyone else talk, I’m fine just being silent and enjoying the show.

When we were done with lunch, Sandra handed out the fortune cookies and said we should all read ours but then, as her friends had recently taught her, add “…in bed” at the end. This seemed kinda corny, but sure, okay, that lady from DEMOLITION MAN wants to do something, everyone else seemed on board, I’m not gonna be the one who says no.

Sandra started, and then we went around the table.

“You will have great success IN BED.”

Polite laughter.

“You have unfinished business. IN BED.”

Even more polite laughter.

It was cute.

As we went around the table, each “IN BED” getting more and more guffaws, my mind started going into work mode.

I started coming up with alts.

Everyone was laughing at the innocent, junior high sleepover-level joke we were indulging in. If I read mine, sure, I’d get polite laughter, but I don’t do what I do for polite laughter.

When it got to me, I looked at my fortune. I don’t remember what it said.

But I remember what I said.

“Your father will die.”

I said it like a question. Like I couldn’t believe my fortune cookie got so dark.

The laughter stopped.

Sandra looked at me and said, very concerned, “wait, what’s wrong?”

I stammered, nothing.

“Do you need to go?” one of the producers asked.

I explained that I did not. And then proceeded to explain the joke. See, we were all saying innocent stuff and then all of a sudden, wow, right? Can you believe my fortune cookie said…is, is what I was going for.

I was met with a round of blank stares. Either they didn’t get the joke (not likely) or got the joke and hated it (likely). The was a third option that didn’t occur to me at the time: no one cared. They all moved on. But not me! I dwelled on it!

We went back to work. I continued to do my job, and so help me, to this day, I wonder if Sandra Bullock thinks my dad died while we were eating Chinese food. I have no idea. I didn’t introduce them at the premiere, I didn’t want to confuse her.

You’d think that would be the moment I was most embarrassed by, re: Sandra Bullock.

Oh no. No no no.

Sandra doesn’t do sequels, but I do. And the Chinese Food moment absolutely has one.

Weeks, months passed, as we continued to work on MINIONS. Sandra would come in and record every now and then. We never ate lunch together again. But we got along. Whenever she had notes, I listened. I continued to have jokes ready to go. And every time I talked to her, I wondered if she was thinking about the Fortune Cookie Incident (my least favorite Guns n’ Roses album, by the way).

One of the last days of recording, we had someone else before her. Maybe a Michael Keaton, perhaps an Allison Janney, I forget who. By the time we were recording with Sandra Bullock, I had to go. Not leave, but I had to use the bathroom.

But Sandra wanted to get right to work. So I didn’t.

When it was all done, I thanked her, hugged her, found the tiny private bathroom down the hall and I went. It wasn’t gross, it wasn’t Jeff Daniels in DUMB & DUMBER. I washed up, opened the door.

And there was Sandra Bullock. Sandy, good ole Ms. Bullock. The bus driver from SPEED herself. Ready to use the bathroom after me.

And I let out these three words.

“Oh come on.”

At no one in particular. Certainly not at her. At the situation. At myself. At the gods.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, concerned. Perhaps thinking another family member was felled by a dessert treat.

And this is what I responded with. Not a word is altered.

“I would not have done what I did, if I knew America’s Sweetheart would be going in after me.”

She smiled. She laughed, even.

It doesn’t matter. She could have told me she loved me, and it wouldn’t have changed the fact that America’s Sweetheart did in fact go in after me. Which wasn’t a huge deal, except that I had shone a light on it by bringing it up to her.

So, yes, very proud of the work I did on MINIONS. Was a joy to work with Sandra Bullock. But when I think of the experience, when I think of her, these are the two stories that come to mind. Does she remember either one? The logical part of my brain says “of course not”. The other part, the one that’s in control, imagines her it’s talking about it every damn day. To her rich Hollywood friends. To my ex-girlfriends. Probably on a bus that is rigged to explode.

I tend to dwell.

THE END

There will be no sequel to this story, Sandra doesn’t do them.

I wrote a book that is funny. Sandra Bullock would probably like it. You should check it out.