Flashback! Almost 4 years ago. We were all trapped in our houses. It wasn’t fun. And though I hadn’t written the SECRET LIFE OF PETS characters in over a year, I still had them on my mind. I figured they were probably enjoying the heck out of this time. Their owners can’t leave! It’s heaven!
That led me to write a short about it. I sent it to my friends at Illumination. The only intent was to make myself and my friends laugh. I had fun writing it, they liked it, end of story.
Anyway, came across the script recently and there’s some good stuff in it, so I figured I’d share. Here it is! Imagine it animated with all the wonderful actors doing the voices.
Enjoy Petsdemic!
INT: MAX’S APARTMENT - DAY
MAX and DUKE stare at something, very happily.
MAX
This has been the BEST month ever.
DUKE
It’s almost TOO much fun!
REVERSE: They are staring at KATIE, CHUCK and little LIAM on the couch, who watching TV, bored.
MAX
Our humans haven’t left in FOREVER!
DUKE
Max! Maybe they’re never leaving!
Maybe they finally realize everything they could ever NEED is RIGHT HERE.
MAX
(checklist)
Food, shelter, dogs. Yeah, that’s it, that’s all they need.
DUKE
Still, I kinda miss visiting the other pets.
MAX
Let’s check in, see how they’re doing.
Max goes to the window.
EXT: MAX’S APARTMENT COMPLEX - DAY
Max leans his head out the window, BARKS. Which turns into:
MAX
Everyone okay?
All the dogs poke their heads out of their windows.
MEL
My owner’s still here! Wooo-hoo!
BUDDY
Mine too! This is so great!
MEL
Mine doesn’t shower anymore!
GIDGET leans out.
GIDGET
My owners are watching a LOT more TV. And they’re yelling at it sometimes.
BUDDY
When my owner walks me he wears a mask!
MEL
Mine too! It’s like Halloween every day!
BUDDY
This is the best!
CHLOE THE CAT makes her way up the fire escape.
CHLOE
This is the WORST.
(flops to the ground)
My owner never leaves. She never ever leaves.
MAX
Morning Chloe.
CHLOE
I just want some me-time, but noooo, she’s there, on the couch, petting me all the time, cuddling me, muttering “I need this, please Chloe I need this”.
MAX
Yeah. I wonder why they’re staying inside.
CHLOE
Are you serious? You morons gotta learn to read a newspaper.
MAX
We can’t read.
GIDGET
Neither can you.
CHLOE
How could you not know---
SNOWBALL comes over in a SILVER PROTECTIVE SUIT with a DOMED SPACE HELMET.
SNOWBALL
Sup Tiny Dog. Big Dog. Angry Cat.
CHLOE
See, he gets it. Congratulations, you’re one step behind Snowball. He knows what’s going on.
SNOWBALL
Yeah I do!
(a beat)
What’s going on?
CHLOE
What do you...?
SNOWBALL
Is something up, what?
CHLOE
You don’t know.
SNOWBALL
No I know, of course I know.
(a beat)
Know what? What do I know?
Snowball takes off his radiation helmet.
SNOWBALL
I gotta get back to the apartment, me and my owner were playing spaceman.
He runs off.
SNOWBALL
Bunny Lightyear, away! Are am I allowed to say that?
CUT TO BLACK.
SCREEN READS: TWO WEEKS LATER.
COMPUTER SCREEN.
ZOOM MEETING. Windows start opening up. We can see from the background behind the pets, it’s late at night.
POPS and MYRON are first.
POPS
Nice work, Myron. You’re so computer savvy.
Max and Duke on one. Chloe on another. Gidget. Buddy. NORMAN. DAISY. And finally ROOSTER.
MAX
Thanks, Pops, for setting this up. Hey everyone, we---
Rooster leans in.
ROOSTER
Hello?
MAX
Yes, Rooster, hi.
ROOSTER
This is Rooster from upstate New York, over, roger, wilco, delta.
DUKE
Rooster, we get it.
DUKE
We can see you.
Rooster looks around, alarmed.
ROOSTER
You can see me?
NORMAN
Old dogs and new technology, man.
ROOSTER
Who said that?
MAX
Anyway, we can’t leave the house much anymore and we just want to check up on everyone while our owners sleep. We good?
GIDGET
So good! Always!
DAISY
I’m hanging in there!
CHLOE
Today my owner dressed me up as one of her human friends and made me sit across from her while she ate lunch, so, no, I’m not good.
DUKE
That sounds...
GIDGET
Kinda fun, actually.
DAISY
I’ll dress as a human for a free meal, anytime.
ROOSTER
What happens if I press this button?
Rooster’s graphic changes so now he has DEVIL HORNS and A HALO.
ROOSTER
Doesn’t do anything, I guess.
NORMAN
Ha-ha!
DAISY
(stifling laugh)
Pfffft!
MAX
No, Rooster---
He hits it again. Now Rooster is a PICKLE.
SNOWBALL
Ha ha! That dog is a pickle!
ROOSTER
You’re a pickle.
He hits a button again. Now he has CAT EARS and WHISKERS.
ROOSTER
Better?
CHLOE
Actually, yes, way better.
DUKE
We should go, before they wake up.
MAX
Okay everyone. Just want everyone to remind you guys, be nice to your humans, they’re going through some stuff.
GIDGET
And check in on your friends, make sure they’re not---
SNOWBALL
Pickles?
GIDGET
---lonely.
POPS
Yeah, this ain’t forever. As bad as it is, we’ll get through it.
MAX
Pops is right, we’ll get through whatever is going on.
POPS
I was talking about this ZOOM call. As bad as it is, AND IT’S HORRIBLE, it’ll be over soon enough.
MAX
Alright, good night everyone!
GIDGET
Love you guys!
NORMAN
Talk to you tomorrow!
SNOWBALL
Snowball OUT!
Everyone logs off, save for Rooster. He’s still a PICKLE.
ROOSTER
Hello? Hello? Where’d everyone go? I don’t...
(notices)
I’m a pickle. That’s stupid.
ANOTHER WINDOW OPENS. It’s MEL.
MEL
Sorry I’m late! Time means nothing to me! I---
He sees Pickle-Rooster in the other window.
ROOSTER
Evening.
MEL
Nope. Nope.
(hits button)
Man I am tired.
His window closes as we CUT TO BLACK.
__________________
Did you enjoy that? I hope so! Hey I wrote a book, it’s available here. It will make you laugh.
It’s totally great! You gotta pitch it as an actual short!
Love this! Brings back good memories :)