I Tend to Dwell

Until the day I die, I will worry about what you think about this post.

Do you dwell on stuff? Like, long after something happens, do you replay it in your head that night, wondering what you could have done better? I do that. I do that all the time. Maybe it’s a writer thing? Maybe I’m a good writer because I dwell on stuff? Maybe I dwell on stuff, wondering what I should change, and that makes me a good writer? Is the dwelling the chicken or the egg? Is this post off to the bad start? I will worry about this forever.

I not only dwell on things that happened over the course of the previous day or week, or even year, I tend to think about things that happen decades ago, and my entire body literally shivers because I am so nervous about something that I did wrong, or something someone said to me.

Want proof? Sure, let’s go for it.

In 2015 I was lucky enough to be a plus one for the STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS premiere. If you know me you know why, I don’t like to make a big deal of it, but, okay, sure, I’m married to the Gonk Droid in real life.

Pictured: Me, in over my head, as per ushe.

Okay, so, when I got there, I realized everyone was very gussied up. I was not told it was a suit and/or cool gown affair. So I wore a button down that I would normally wear to work or jury duty and a black hooded sweater. Truth be told, I looked fine. No one was looking at me anyway. Everyone was gawking at Kylo Ren. But I was already self-conscious. Everyone must be staring at the big sloppily dressed pale guy. When my date (again, Gonk) and I took our seats, two of the SHARK TANK dudes were right across from me and I swear Mr. Wonderful was judging me. If I was in a suit, maybe we would have even been friends! Maybe my idea for edible shoes would be hitting Targets and/or Wal-Marts by now! But no, now Mr. Wonderful hates me!

We watched the movie, it was fun, the lights came up, it was now like 8 PM or something. The entire block was closed off, for the craziest, biggest, most insane after-party I have ever been to. It was so fun. They even had themed drinks, Dark Side/Light Side. I’m a huge fan of the movie tie-in. Just this week I ate blue Dairy Queen ice cream because David Corensweat’s face was on the container. So I had a Dark Side (fine) and a Light Side (fine).

Problem: I am a lightweight. I don’t drink much. Everyone assumes because I am 8 feet tall I can hold my alcohol. Everyone assumes wrong. And as we were watching the movie instead of eating dinner, I was drinking these powerful (at least by Force standards) alcholoic beverages on an empty stomach. And readers, I was feeling it. Not the Force, never the Force, I am not Force sensitive, I was woozy.

So I waited. Waited for the wooziness to pass.

It did not.

Pictured: Me trying to hold it together in front of jedis and sith.

Before I embarressed my wife, I mean Gonk, I had to get some food in me to counter the drinks.

So I went to the food line and waited and there were, like, lots of things I wouldn’t be dead eating in front of Han Solo. Chicken with BONES, how would I eat that gracefully? Spaghetti with tomato sauce, oh sure, let me dribble marinara in front of Princess Leia. And then I saw it.

Mashed Potatoes.

They were easy to eat. They would sop up the alcohol in my already nervous belly. They would sober me up and when Luke Skywalker asked me to dance, I would be able to, gracefully.

So I loaded a single plate with nothing but mashed potatoes and began to SHOVEL IT INTO MY MOUTH. This would work! This would be the solution I was waiting for! This…

…was happening pretty much right next to Harrison Ford, who was having a drink near the buffet.

Was he looking at me? Probably not, hopefully not, but it was dark, I couldn’t be sure.

With a spoon full of potatoes hanging right below my mouth, I managed a…

“Hey.”

He did not respond back.

Now for all I know, Harrison Ford never saw me eating potatoes like Jabba the Hutt downs frogs, he never heard me say hello, he was having a big night and the last thing he was concerned about what this tipsy, shabbily dressed guy he didn’t know devouring food.

But what if he DID see me? What if he DID hear me? What if the one exchange I had with one of my heroes in life? A literal action figure that I played with for well over a decade, saw me, judged me, hated me, and went home and mocked me to his wife and children.

I thought about this for days after. And every time I thought of Harrison Ford, or saw Harrison Ford in a movie, or a magazine, or TV show, I dwelled on the fact that whenever I think of Harrison Ford, I think wow he’s one of the coolest guys ever, if Harrison Ford thinks about me, he goes “man that guy really loved potatoes. Probably too much actually.”

But that’s just how it was going to be. Because I’d never have the chance to change what Harrison Ford thinks about me.

Except, I totally did.

When I was working on THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS 2, we needed a voice for a super cool farm dog that teaches Max (Patton Oswalt) how to be less nervous. I named the character Rooster, after Jeff Bridges’ character in the remake of TRUE GRIT. When I wrote Rooster’s dialogue, I pictured Jeff Bridges doing it. But when we all sat down to discuss who could play Rooster, Harrison’s name was brought up. Maybe even by me, I don’t know. I laughed, there’s no way Harrison Ford is going to follow up his return to Han Solo and Deckard with an animated movie about talking dogs.

Except, he totally did.

He came in, talked to us, we showed him footage, he loved it. If he did remember as the potato man, he was kind enough to not mention it.

He was curious about the process, asked a lot of questions, asked even more questions about a table in the office because he wanted to build a similar one, took a bunch of Minions merchandise for, I’m assuming, his kids or grandkids or himself, and left.

And then, Harrison would come in every couple of weeks and record dialogue for Rooster.

Pictured: Remember Harrison Ford? He’s back! In Dog Form!

Harrison was a joy. He’d show up early, he’d watch footage, he’d talk to everyone. Harrison Ford is well aware of what he means to everyone, and makes everyone feel good about it. Work with your heroes. Sometimes it pays off.

Pictured: Harrison Ford and a contest winner.

And I think he enjoyed me too. I asked him he was excited about finally being part of a movie that had toys. He didn’t cold-cock me. He actually laughed. That was cool.

Even cooler, my kind Henry, at like 3 or 4 years old, did the temporary recording for the little kid in PETS 2, and Universal/Illumination liked it so much they emailed me a contract, and Henry was Harrison’s co-star. And it was a big part too. Henry, as Liam, had tons of funny stuff in the movie, and Henry pulled it off perfectly. The kid hilarious.

At the premiere for PETS 2, Harrison had already seen the movie and really dug it, so he was excited to come out and promote it. As the actors and crew were waiting outside to be announced one by one, I hung out with Henry. I saw Harrison from across the group of actors and waved. He pointed at me, that cool Harrison Ford point. I returned it.

And then Harrison crossed the line of actors and crew to talk to me.

And there was no potato in sight!

He told me how much he loved the movie, congratulated me, and then I introduced to Henry, who was wearing a little suit, and had cool sunglasses. Harrison looked at him and said…

“That’s a good look, Henry.”

Henry had NO IDEA how cool that was. He does now, he did not then.

I informed Harrison that Henry was Liam in PETS 2. Harrison nodded and then started talking about something else. But then it hit him what I had said.

“Wait, he’s Liam?”

I nodded.

He looked at Henry, and made sure Henry was looking back.

“Henry, you’re a great actor.”

Henry smiled. Even though he had NO IDEA how cool that was. He does now.

So, after that day, the Potato Memory was firmly replaced by Harrison Ford calling my kid cool, and a great actor. I did not have to dwell anymore.

But like all good Hollywood stories, this one does not know when to end.

STAR WARS: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER premiere. I got to go again. And this time, I was wearing a cool black suit. I am a learning computer, I grow via my mistakes.

Pictured: Not me. But just know I looked dapper.

I was watching the movie, and wow, even though he was killed, Han Solo was in it! Best scene in the movie, by far. And hey, I know that guy. He likes me! Digs my son! That’s pretty cool.

The after-party was better lit than the first one. I didn’t drink. I ate normal food, away from the watchful eyes of Hollywood legends. I was doing things right.

And then I saw Harrison being escorted through the party.

And things were different now. PETS 2 had come out that year. We had worked together just a few months earlier.

So I went up to him, with my wife. And here’s the thing. He HUGGED ME. He was happy to see me. We talked, briefly. It was very warm and friendly. The best exchange of the evening:

ME: I had no idea you were in this one, that was a nice surprise.

HARRISON: (leaning in): Brian, I kinda forgot I was in it too.

I introduced him to my wife. That is a pretty cool thing to be able to do.

But here it comes.

The moment I dwell on to this day.

I said, “this is my wife,” they shook hands.

And then I put my hand on his arm. I remember that specifically because his arm was rock-hard, he had clearly been working out, probably for Indy.

“And this is Harrison,” I said, “he’s a friend from work.”

I quoted THOR fucking RAGNAROK to Han Solo. Did he know that? Probably not, this was before he stepped foot in the Marvel Universe. If he did know that, did he care? Did he even hear it? My wife didn’t, at least she said she didn’t, and once I had told her what I said, she said that she didn’t place it as a movie quote.

We talked for about 10 more seconds, he told us to enjoy our nights, and he was whisked away. I have never seen him again. I probably won’t ever see him again.

My first exposures to Harrison Ford? Embarressing myself at a STAR WARS premiere, leading to months of dwelling and worry.

My last explosure to Harrison Ford? Embaressing myself at a STAR WARS premiere, leading to now years of dwelling and worry.

And I know he doesn’t think about it. Common sense told me he didn’t think about it the moment after I said it. Just like he probably didn’t see me eat too many mashed potatoes, and if he did, he didn’t care. Do you know how many people come up with Harrison Ford and say stupid shit? Lots. Too many. I’ve seen it. I cringe for them.

But I only get that shiver up my spine for me.

I’m trying to do better. to concentrate on the plethora of good memories in between the two STAR WARS premiere Harrison Ford moments of cringe. Lots of great conversation. Got to hear him perform my dialogue. Got to hear him compliment me, my son. Got to introduce him to my wife.

I’m trying. I really am.

My book is available now. Harrison Ford would probably love it.